...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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