But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
