Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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