He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
