Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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