Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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