oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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