I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
