meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
