How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
