is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
