I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
