Whod you bang
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I still have a little drunk in my system
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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