It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
