Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
