party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
