Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
