God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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