Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
