I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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