Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
