She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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