dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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