absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
