I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
