I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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