I am puke
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
