That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
