he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
