I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
where are you?
Hypothermia
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize