Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize