I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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