I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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