So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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