My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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