halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
