mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
