Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
