whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
