Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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