He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize