Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
