I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
