my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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