...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize