I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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