I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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