Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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