dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
