If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
