The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
