i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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