We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
