bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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