just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Houston, we have a squirter
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
