He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize