Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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