I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
