My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
