My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My nipple is on Facebook.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize