Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My balls are so social today.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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