I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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