I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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