Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
