Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
